The Stupid Things I Do: Cafe Frappe Edition

I am a bit of a Starbucks addict. During the winter I enjoy chai lattes or mochas with various flavor shots but in the warmer months I am all about their blended drinks. Being well aware of my love for Christmas my mom got me a Mr. Coffee Cafe Frappe.

I put it away until I deemed it sufficiently warm enough to enjoy an iced blended drink. I purchased a Starbucks reusable cold cup so I could feel as though I was enjoying the Starbucks experience without the high cover charge. And, with temps forecasted for the high 70s/low 80s on Saturday I decided it was time to break it out.

Because I am afraid of appliances and my husband is accommodating I asked Jake to whip up a drink for me before we went to man our Girl Scout cookie booth. He did, and it was delicious. Jake was extremely impressed with how powerful the blender portion of the machine is. He couldn't stop talking about it.

The next day, Sunday, Jake did the Urban Assault Bike Race. I told him Siena and I would meet him at the after-party and watch him cross the finish line. Sadly we did not make it in time, and it is all because I am an idiot.

You see I decided to make myself a Cafe Frappe drink. And before I get to into this story I should mention so pertinent facts:

1. As mentioned above, I am afraid of appliances. I don't know how to use our food processor though something tells me such a tool could prove handy.
2. I have never brewed a cup of coffee in my life. I don't like straight coffee, so I never even owned a coffee maker until Jake and I got married. Then because I don't like coffee I never used it, which probably also makes me a bad wife since I never made some for Jake. Now we have a Keurig, which I don't know how to use. When I want a chai latte Jake makes it for me. Yes, I am bad.
3. We just, as in four days ago, got new shutters all throughout our house, even in the kitchen.

With about 15 minutes to spare before leaving I broke out the Cafe Frappe. I took a quick look at the illustrated step-by-step guide, decided the Mr. Coffee tech writer needs help, and attempted to put everything together. You see, my last job was as a tech writer and I write excellent instructions. When I see instructions that don't even tell the user how to screw on a lid I feel angry. I mean, the products I wrote about, if things were not attached properly people could get blown up. Strangely enough I was not afraid of those products, though given what they were used for I should have been.

So the tech writer wrote poor instructions, at least in my esteemed view (though nothing tops Ikea's cabal of crazy tech writers). Nevertheless I soldiered on, discovered how to use a coffee filter, thanked my husband for grinding up some coffee for me, and got to work, making up my pitcher of peppermint flavor shots, milk, ice, and chocolate syrup.

It took me about ten minutes to get it all assembled but I did it. Then I pushed the power button...and it blinked. I reassembled, thinking something must not be locked in properly, and tried again. And again. Then on the fourth time I had success.

It was kind of cool to watch it brew and then drip into the pitcher. Then there was a pause, and whammo! the blender part got to work. Jake was right, it is extremely powerful.

I know this because I failed to attach something tightly. I m still not sure what. So instead of having a delicious blended coffee drink I had liquid flying everywhere.

Projectile liquid travels far and fast.

I stood there in horror, then the machine stopped. Whew, I thought. Then it started up again. I am no fool. I lunged for the power cord and unplugged.

What was left was a mess of epic proportions. I do believe I screamed. At least, that's what Siena said when she came running and almost slid and fell in a pool of liquid coffee drink. Her biggest concern was how we were going to get to the car (which we usually access via the kitchen to get to the garage) to get to the race.

Meanwhile my biggest concern was the huge disaster in my kitchen, extending into my dining area. There was liquid everywhere: the kitchen table (four feet away), the dog's food and water, the blinds on the sliding glass door, on the front of the dishwasher (?!?), on the stove (four feet in the opposite direction), all over the floor. And of course it was on the phone, my laptop which was charging on the opposite counter, and on the Cafe Frappe itself. I was covered in chocolate minty coffee liquid. It was epic.

I got to work. I got a roll of Costco paper towels (the best there is!) and on the floor I went, wiping and cleaning. I scrubbed the blinds on the door, scrubbed the floor, scrubbed  every surface in a four foot radius. I even had to scrub the new shutters on the kitchen window, which strangely I am alright with. Had they been the mini blinds that had been on the window before my work would have been a lot harder. The shutters were the easiest item to clean.

The floor was a pool of liquid stickiness that was drying quickly. Pumpkin was licking everywhere and I swear she got a coffee buzz. My back was killing me, stiffening up so I could hardly stand up (I have chronic back pain and am having a relapse after my last surgery). But I had to abandon ship and get to the race. I changed into a different set of what I call my weekend lounging uniform: exercise skort, t-shirt, sneakers. I even had to change my socks, which were full of liquid. Siena and I cruised over and of course we missed the race end. Sigh. Then I had to tell Jake about what was waiting at home. He reminded me again how he had been impressed with the power of the Cafe Frappe blender.

When we got home and walked into the kitchen the bottoms of our shoes stuck to the floor. Ewww. It was amazing. The whole area smelled of minty chocolate minty coffee. Tired as he was Jake told me to exit the premises so he could mop and scrub.

I did so happily. Off to the gym I went to do some core work and loosen up my back. Jake said he had to mop three times to get all the stickiness up.

What I've learned:

1. Perhaps there is a valid reason for me to be afraid of appliances.
2. I have the best husband ever, hands down.
3. If I want a Cafe Frappe Jake will have to make it or do many tutorials with me so I can make it myself. I think I can learn how to use the machine, but I swear the first time I hit the power button I am going to have butterflies in my tummy.